Deer Culling

Dougie’s Election 7

Deer Culling

One time I was meandering along in the Gairloch

on the west coast

through the usual sea of heather

when I came across  a fenced enclosure

(mebbe 40 acres)

With big signs saying:

EU BIOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT

You are free to enter

DO NOT ALLOW ENTRY TO DEER OR SHEEP

I then entered (carefully closing gate behind me)

what I can only describe as

a Garden of Eden

full of trees, bushes and flowers.

I said to myself

good god is this what Scotland would look like

without deer and sheep!

For, as is often said to us in natural history programmes,

the Scottish environment is largely man made

created by landowners down the generations

for the benefit of four species

sheep (profit, Highland Clearances and so on)

deer and grouse for the ‘sporting’ pleasures

of the idle rich

and finally

midges

For if you have a look at eighteenth century writing

Burns, Martin Martin et al

there are no references to the notorious, dreadful insect.

Even Dr Johnson,

travelling with Boswell through Scotland,

who complains about just about everything else

doesn’t mention the damned insect once

The midge is a product of our environmental ‘policy’

of the last two hundred years

We must re-forest Scotland

Our natural resources are far too important

To be left to the landed aristocracy

We must turn the Highlands into a huge National Park

(Think of the tourism!)

Get the hunting and shooting brigade out

and the biologists in.

This will entail either deer culling

or massive investment in fencing

as in the above experiment in the Gairloch

It’s up to us.

The Tullos tree planting scheme

is a GOOD THING

though it is a shame for the deer.

So why not protect the trees?

Cost cutting?

Bankers

Dougie's Election 6

On....The Bankers

There's a phrase we used to hear a lot

before the 2008 financial crash

bankers and city whizz kids

were described as

'wealth creators'

We don't hear it anymore.

It was as though the bankers were gods

(remember 'Masters of the Universe?')

Let there be wealth

and lo!

there was wealth

Of course we now realise just how dodgy

this kind of 'wealth creation' was.

Wealth is created by adding value

to simple commodities

The carpenter takes a few planks

and transforms them into a table

It's why Germany and China are relatively 'rich.'

They make stuff.

It's the classic Labour Theory of Value

which comes not from Karl Marx

But the philosophical darling of the right

Adam Smith.

The bankers are not wealth creators

but wealth expropriators

It's a form of embezzlement

as everyone with a bank account knows.

(e.g. the thievery of bank charges.)

It works by plundering the accumulated wealth

of previous generations

(privatisation)

And of future generations

(debt)

creating paper riches

creatively creamed off.

And now we all have to fill in

this black hole of debt

We, the real wealth creators.

Third Don Crossing

Dougie’s Election 5

On……Third Don Crossing

I was out walking one day

and as I was passing the Zoology Building

(near the new University Library)

I saw yet another traffic jam

There are often jams at this roundabout

usually heading towards King Street

but this time it was heading all the way up into Tillydrone

Later I learned that there had been

an accident on Great Northern Road

and the traffic had been re-routed through Tilly

‘That’ says I, ‘is the problem with the Third Don Crossing.’

The new bridge will deliver 1000s of cars to this point

it can’t go left to King Street

or go up Bedford Road

but must go up to St. Machar roundabout

creating what one commentator described as a

‘second Haudigan’

Thanks a lot.

The whole idea of the new crossing

comes from the

‘something must be done’ mindset

And fair enough

but this scheme simply won’t work

and even if it did

it isn’t fair

Woodside has already got more than its fair share of the city’s traffic

The Ring Road, the main road north, as well as the notorious Haudigan

Give us a break.

The traffic will go from St. Machar

up towards Cairncry to the Ring Road

completing a circuit

which will create an inner city M25

around – broadly- what we call ward 5

(Woodside, Hilton, Stockethill, Cornhill)

And,

as a great lover of the river Don,

plough through one of the most beautiful bits of meadowland

in the city

If I am elected,

I will do all in my power

To resist this bridge.

Two Eggs

Dougie's Election 4

Dougie on... Minimum Pricing of Alcohol

Two Eggs

I was at this health conference one time

there was a woman there

a heavy smoker.

Come coffee break time

She would shoot off outside

And she would chain smoke three of four cigarettes

Inhaling deeply and greedily

Before coming back to the meeting

Quickly gulping down some lukewarm coffee

She was a likable and chatty woman

Until it came to her pet hate

‘Junkies’

And she would go into rabid mode

Drug addicts were a social menace

in her part of the Glasgow she said.

And there’s no doubt drug addicts can give a lot of grief

To inner city folk

But to this woman

‘Junkies’ were the height of evil

After several rants during the course of the day

I’d had enough

And said to her ‘wait a minute

You’re obviously heavily addicted to nicotine

I’ll bet you any money you like

That you’ve done things for nicotine

That you’re not proud of

I could tell right away that I had

touched a nerve

‘I must admit you have a point’ says she

And she began to tell us all

The story of the Two Eggs

It was the day before pay day

And the cupboard was bare

The kids were due home from school

And there was nothing in for their supper

So she looks to see what there is

She’s down to basics

Half a jug of milk

Some flour

Sugar

Assorted jars of jam and honey and what not.

And so she says to herself

‘I’ll do pancakes’

And making a virtue out of necessity

Like mothers everywhere

Say ‘big treat tonight kids

Pancakes for supper’

And it would be

‘Hurray we like pancakes!’

The only problem was eggs

(An essential ingredient for pancakes)

And so she gathers together what coppers she has

And goes down to her local corner shop

And asks the grocer

if he can sell her two eggs.

Well, that’s an annoying thing for a grocer

After all, he’s left with

A useless box of four,

But she’s a regular customer

So he says

‘Aye, I’ll easy sell you two eggs’

And takes two out of the box

Puts them in a wee bag

And says ‘that’ll be thirty pence’

And says she

‘And twenty Embassy Regal Please’

So she’ll give her kids am inferior supper

Embarrass herself in the local shop

But she will not go without fags.

The moral of the story is

That for the addict, or substance abuser,

The pricing mechanism will not work

The money for the substance isn’t money

Money is for eggs and rent and kids stuff

The currency for the substance

Is, as a mate of mine puts it, ‘beer tokens’

And this currency will be found

To the detriment of other commodities

In the household budget.

Nor will minimum pricing affect the main problem

(Excessive carousing on the weekend)

One jot

‘Pre-loading’ has nothing to do with white cider

And everything to do with bottles of vodka.

There is also the possible unintended consequence

Of a return to what used to be ‘feeky drinking’

i.e. consuming the likes of

illegally distilled spirits, meths and glue

with all the ill health that entails.

And it will be extremely wasteful

At the present time, alcohol is like any other commodity

Come the sell by date it gets sold off cut price.

With minimum pricing

Why buy the old stuff?

So out in the skip it will go.

The price of drink is already a rip off

- By European standards

Food inflation is high

As are transport and communication costs

While incomes stay stubbornly low

Give us a break here!

On the other hand

It has to be admitted that white cider

(And other cheap drink)

Is dreadful stuff

And minimum pricing will eliminate it from the market

Why not buy something half way decent

If it’s the same price?

One thing’s for sure

If minimum pricing is introduced

There’ll be a lot more folk

Trying to buy the likes of

Two Eggs.

scots whahavering

Dougie's election 1

Scots Whavering

I am not proud to be Scottish. I am not proud to be British, European, or proud to have white skin. I’m scarcely proud to be a human being, nasty, brutish and cruel species that we are.

I am not patriotic. The dying embers of what little patriotism I have left briefly bursts into flame when the Scottish football team takes to the field, but in general flag waving tartanry leaves me cold. I will not kill or die for my country. Any reference to Willie Wallace or the Duke of Wellington moves me to tears of laughter.

I don’t even know what a country is. The map of Europe has been drawn and re-drawn so often that the concept of country is a very nebulous one indeed. In any case, multi-national corporations and finance sweep across national boundaries with the indifference of the wind. Mass migration and modern communications have increasingly diluted national characteristics. And when I hear talk of an independent country I’m all at sea (so to speak.) It’s all Greek to me.

This might give the impression that I am therefore a shoe-in for a No vote in the proposed referendum. Not a bit of it. I’m all for it.

It’s got nothing to do with the Bannockburn versus cost-benefit analysis arguments we’re to hear (endlessly) over the next two years.

Firstly, Scotland is a country like any other (far older than most) and deserves a seat at the tables of the United Nations and European Union, just as the Denmarks and Slovenias do. I don’t accept the argument that Scotland has more punch as part of the United Kingdom. We’ve had more than enough of British punching.

Secondly, please spare us these dreadful Tory Governments. I have some sympathy for the view that we will be ‘abandoning’ northern and urban England to the sorry fate of permanent Conservative rule, and I know that I have more in common with the Geodie or Scouse everyman than that yon birkie ca’d a lord wha struts and stares about his estate annihilating the wildlife. But an independent Scotland might spur them on to forms of devolution of their own. All forms of de-Westminstering are a good thing.

Lastly, I love this corner of northern Europe we call Scotland. Its landscape, literature and history are things I have explored all my life. Scotland should rise and be a notion again.

I accept that all this is confused and contradictory. This is hardly surprising. I am, after all, a Scotsman.

Edit

Experience

Experience

Just asked somebody to vote for me

Says I’ll get number 2 Vote

But not number 1, because

‘You don’t have enough experience.’

First objection is, of course

Can’t get elected without having experience

Can’t get experience without getting elected

But the main objection is

EXPERIENCE IS THE PROBLEM

Experience of incompetence

Experience of broon nosing big business

Experience of following the party line

Experience of cowardice

It’s inexperience that we want

I do have lots of experience in….

ASKING QUESTIONS

Dougie’s Election 3

Dougie on UNION TERRACE GARDENS

I met an old mate the other day

Hadn’t seen him for ages

We talked about this and that

And, of course, the other

We got round to Union Terrace Gardens

My mate is an alternative kind of guy

And I just assumed

(Careful with assumptions)

That he’d been a No voter in the referendum

Not at all

He’d voted Yes

Puzzled, I asked

Why?

‘Union Terrace is totally run down’

Quo he

‘Something’s got to be done about it,

It’s a crumbling bit of Victoriana’

My answer was that ALL are agreed

That something should be done

That all sides of the debate begin

With ‘something must be done’

But why the Ian Wood plan?

But I’ve got to take my hat off to the Yes campaign

(I voted No by the way)

They managed

(whether purposefully I don’t know)

To present the debate as

(1) The Ian Wood Plan

Or

(2) Leaving it as it is

Brilliant

Of course

The whole thing isn’t over

We remain a city divided

The Alice in Wonderland economics of TIF funding

Might still vanish down the rabbit hole

And there may well be a surprise or two

Down the road

Not least the result of the local elections!

But one thing the No campaign has to do

Is gain some ground

On the ’something must be done’ front