Two Eggs

Dougie's Election 4

Dougie on... Minimum Pricing of Alcohol

Two Eggs

I was at this health conference one time

there was a woman there

a heavy smoker.

Come coffee break time

She would shoot off outside

And she would chain smoke three of four cigarettes

Inhaling deeply and greedily

Before coming back to the meeting

Quickly gulping down some lukewarm coffee

She was a likable and chatty woman

Until it came to her pet hate

‘Junkies’

And she would go into rabid mode

Drug addicts were a social menace

in her part of the Glasgow she said.

And there’s no doubt drug addicts can give a lot of grief

To inner city folk

But to this woman

‘Junkies’ were the height of evil

After several rants during the course of the day

I’d had enough

And said to her ‘wait a minute

You’re obviously heavily addicted to nicotine

I’ll bet you any money you like

That you’ve done things for nicotine

That you’re not proud of

I could tell right away that I had

touched a nerve

‘I must admit you have a point’ says she

And she began to tell us all

The story of the Two Eggs

It was the day before pay day

And the cupboard was bare

The kids were due home from school

And there was nothing in for their supper

So she looks to see what there is

She’s down to basics

Half a jug of milk

Some flour

Sugar

Assorted jars of jam and honey and what not.

And so she says to herself

‘I’ll do pancakes’

And making a virtue out of necessity

Like mothers everywhere

Say ‘big treat tonight kids

Pancakes for supper’

And it would be

‘Hurray we like pancakes!’

The only problem was eggs

(An essential ingredient for pancakes)

And so she gathers together what coppers she has

And goes down to her local corner shop

And asks the grocer

if he can sell her two eggs.

Well, that’s an annoying thing for a grocer

After all, he’s left with

A useless box of four,

But she’s a regular customer

So he says

‘Aye, I’ll easy sell you two eggs’

And takes two out of the box

Puts them in a wee bag

And says ‘that’ll be thirty pence’

And says she

‘And twenty Embassy Regal Please’

So she’ll give her kids am inferior supper

Embarrass herself in the local shop

But she will not go without fags.

The moral of the story is

That for the addict, or substance abuser,

The pricing mechanism will not work

The money for the substance isn’t money

Money is for eggs and rent and kids stuff

The currency for the substance

Is, as a mate of mine puts it, ‘beer tokens’

And this currency will be found

To the detriment of other commodities

In the household budget.

Nor will minimum pricing affect the main problem

(Excessive carousing on the weekend)

One jot

‘Pre-loading’ has nothing to do with white cider

And everything to do with bottles of vodka.

There is also the possible unintended consequence

Of a return to what used to be ‘feeky drinking’

i.e. consuming the likes of

illegally distilled spirits, meths and glue

with all the ill health that entails.

And it will be extremely wasteful

At the present time, alcohol is like any other commodity

Come the sell by date it gets sold off cut price.

With minimum pricing

Why buy the old stuff?

So out in the skip it will go.

The price of drink is already a rip off

- By European standards

Food inflation is high

As are transport and communication costs

While incomes stay stubbornly low

Give us a break here!

On the other hand

It has to be admitted that white cider

(And other cheap drink)

Is dreadful stuff

And minimum pricing will eliminate it from the market

Why not buy something half way decent

If it’s the same price?

One thing’s for sure

If minimum pricing is introduced

There’ll be a lot more folk

Trying to buy the likes of

Two Eggs.